My Biggest Fear and Mother’s Guilt

For the past 22 months, probably even longer, life in my household has been about him. In every breath I find myself thinking about him, worrying about him, smiling at him or telling someone how in love I am with him.

And now, there is another baby who is going to be here in less than three weeks and the same thoughts keep creeping in my head, “Is there enough love? Do I have the capacity to love two the same? Is there enough depth in my heart to love completely, fully and will I be able to show both of them how much I love them? How can I possibly explain to him that he is my first born and no one will ever have the place in my heart? How I can tell him that giving him a sibling is one of the greatest gifts I could give him? How do I make sure he feels special and knows that his mama loves him no less because his sister came in this world?”

There are days that I think he could have been enough. He brings me that much joy and I so consumed with loving him, nurturing him, protecting him, and teaching him that I can’t figure out how another one fits. These are the days that I think I am being selfish for wanting another and that I didn’t think about him, his needs and his life.

But, I know that this baby will complete us. That these emotions, thoughts and fears while real are irrational and will disappear the moments our eyes meet her. It doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make my guilt disappear. It doesn’t make my tears disappear when think about how much change he will have to adapt to in a few short weeks. Most of all, it doesn’t make me love him less. It makes me love him more.