Life Lately

Life lately has been inexplicably complicated and exhausting.

For starters, my anxiety is through the roof.  I don’t know what it is about change that just doesn’t sit well with me but it makes me paralyzed when my to do list is growing a mile a minute. The weeks leading up to change end up being stressful for all of us.   I feel the need to get so many things done before I go to school…like I am going to prison or something. One big trip to Costco, plan all the meals, organize the pantry, clean my closet, buy new clothes for everyone and yet I know I can do some of these things when I go back to work but I feel the need to get them done now so I can I was ready to return to work and had a productive summer.   I spend these week thinking about all the things that I need to do at school and how hard the transition will be on my two kids who have really settled in to being at home with me.  I am thinking about Cate as she transitions to daycare full time and how hard that morning drop off is going to be every single day.  I am struggling with how to find the ever elusive balance that comes with working and knowing that I didn’t make my health my priority this summer even though I vowed to do so.

Add to it, Cate has been a hot mess. This poor sweet girl CANNOT catch a break. She is covered in a rash from her groin to her neck and it is an allergic reaction to a medicine we were using to treat something else. (I have a whole other post coming on this one.)  She is scratching and so uncomfortable that two nights ago she made herself bleed in the bath. She says ouchie more times than I can count and my heart breaks every time.  Not to mention as a result, she is not sleeping.  Screaming, crying and up many times a night is enough to make me tired like having a newborn tired.

For good measure, Brady woke us up Monday night with blood curdling screams. We thought he was being attacked or was injured. It was a scream we have never heard from him. Our good sleeper was convinced that there were snakes and spiders in his room. His heart racing and his fear caused him to fly off his bed and he couldn’t be soothed. We lay with him, he screamed.  He kept showing us where they were convinced they were attacking him.   I finally agreed (if you know me you know this is a big deal) after an hour of chaos and fear and screaming to sleep with him.  Not to mention Cate who we finally got to sleep was awakened by his screaming.  He asked me every 30 seconds if I was there and if I saw that as he whimpered. He finally went to sleep sometime after 5 sleeping literally on top of me and was up at 7:30.

One highlight this week. I had pictures of my kids taken in a junkyard tonight and I have a feeling they are going to be awesome.


So, yeah that is life lately. Just keeping it real people. Happy Friday!


Back and Forth

I got this mom of two thing. How hard can it be? Lots of people have two kids and handle it just fine.

I can’t do this. I am not meant to be a mama. I am too selfish, too tired, and too overwhelmed. Nothing is done 100%. The kitchen is dirty. There is laundry to be folded. We need to go to Target, Costco and Whole Foods.

Why are you freaking out? Life is pretty good…two healthy kids, a husband who loves you, roof over your head and job you are passionate about.

What about food? We have to eat healthy. I need to menu plan. I need to make sure we have fruit in the house. Brady needs a meal each night. McDonalds is not okay. Brady needs a winter coat, hat, mittens and boots. Cate needs warmer sleepers. What if my own clothes don’t fit? What if I have to buy all new stuff because the baby weight doesn’t come off like it did last time?

I can totally swing this. Target was a success today. Sleep is for the weak. You can do this. You have already done this once and you survived.

How will I get out of the house? Bottles, pump, coats, hats, mittens, school bags, sippy cups, snacks, lunch, diaper bag, change of clothes, workout clothes…there is just no way. I hate driving in the rain and snow. Now, with them in the car, it is going to worse.

Brady is getting older. His needs are becoming less and less. Cate is a baby not a bomb.

What about me? What about the gym? What about my friends? Me time? What about what I want to do? How come I always feel like I am coming in last? What about my marriage? When can we nurture that? Get back to where we were before our kids came first?

You have two amazing sets of grandparents, two siblings and more friends than you can ask for who are willing to help at a moment’s notice and would be happy too.

Brady is so sad. Cate is fussy. What am I not doing right? How can I fix this? When will he realize we did this for him? When will this get easier? When will the routine settle in?

Cate is peacefully in her crib sleeping for the first time this morning. Brady has been sleeping through the night again and has been such a good boy. You all ate dinner together last night. He squealed as Glenn chased him through the house. He kissed Cate before going to bed and said “nigh nigh”

“You become a miserable person at night”

“In my house we call those first six weeks CRAZY TOWN”

“No woman should be held responsible for anything she says the first three months”

Back and Forth. Back and Forth. Back and Forth.