2012- My Thoughts

Well, hello 2012!
As I am writing this evening with both babies in bed and in my quiet house, I realize I have spent a lot of time in my head thinking about 2011. I realize how sometimes the things I have said to my husband don’t actually reflect how I feel. There are moments when frustration sets in and I speak tersely to him about my fatigue, stress, or complaints. Yet, when I am alone, quiet and reflecting I can’t get over how lucky we have been, how complete I feel and how many things feel so “right”.

Like Buzz in Cate’s crib. Any ideas who idea that was? I will give you one guess.
This kid. Who is fiercely independent, funny, and sweet.

And now, in 2012 I am thinking about all the things I want to happen this year. I hate resolutions. I actually hate change if I am being perfectly honest. But, sometimes change is good. It can be necessary to make you better. This year, I tried to come up with a word. A word to live by. Two words. Three. It didn’t work. So, I am focusing on goals.

Goal 1- I need to find the ability to balance both my personal and professional life, not necessarily equal but both having weight on the scale of life.

Goal 2- Find time to spend with my husband, my friends, and my family. It is so easy to be with in the same room as some one and call it spending time together but I need to be present. I want listen more, put my ipad away, and be the one to initiate plans. I want to MAKE time for each of them. No more “I’m so busy” responses. Tired might be an acceptable excuse. Just kidding. Both are easy ways out.

Goal 3- When I am with my kids I want to be present. So often when Brady says, “play mama” I go down to the basement with him taking my phone, distractedly trying to play with him while I check email, facebook or twitter. No more. Nightly, when I feed Cate, I find myself thinking about work or actually checking my phone for email. No more. I want to be present. I want to watch her drink that bottle and watch her eyes slowly close as she releases her grip on my finger. I want my kids to remember that they were my priority. Not my Words with Friends game, not twitter or the email on my screen.

Does it get any better than a baby in the bath?

Goal 4- Me. I want to find time that reminds me that I matter too. Exercise is my refuge. The gym is my sacred place. My happy place. I am a different person when I get a workout in. I need to sweat, to move and burn that energy. I am a better mama when I workout. I am a better wife. I immerse myself in to it when I need to clear my head, when I am tired or need a break. I have to fit this in. I am also a realist. It can’t happen every day but I am committed to finding a balance between doing this for me and being a mama and wife.

Goal 5- I want to accept that sometimes it’s okay to share responsibilities. The notion that needing a night off or a night out does not make me less of a mama. I need to recognize that my husband needs a night off too!

Goal 6- I want to find a balance between my responsibilities as a teacher, mama and wife along with things that I have a desire to learn. This little space, my DSLR, and Photoshop are all on the list and I have a plan to get moving. A switch to WordPress, an online Photoshop class, free tutorials and Project 52 will be on the to do list. I will continue to write. I will write for me. I write because it is therapeutic. And I will write when I have something to say or worth talking about.

Goal 7- Purge. Do you hear that Ma? Glenn? Are you listening? I am purging and will stop hoarding and saving every last thing. Less is going to be more for me this year. No, it doesn’t mean I will shop less, but I am going to finally get rid of those things I keep hanging on to that I might need or wear five years from now. Hopefully, this will eliminate some clutter and make my husband happier!

Goal 8-I need to change hats with ease. 5 am alarms, commuting, daycare drop off and pick up, and nighttime routines can break you down. I am going to try to embrace the chaos.

Goal 9- I am going to live in the moment. Be present. Nothing is so important that I can’t stop for ten minutes and play with the Little People cars in our family room and make Brady squeal in delight as they go down the ramps we build or lay on the floor with Cate as she swats at her animals on her activity mat.

As I read, and reread this list, it is hefty. Big ideas. Big changes. I know that I will have some successes and probably some failures. But that is what goals are all about? Right?


Woe is Me…No

I was going to write this huge woe is me post tonight. I was going to tell you how much having to put your kid in daycare sucks. How it makes you feel inadequate as a mom. How a piece of you dies inside each day when you drop him off and he wails because there are unfamiliar faces, spaces and routines. How much your heart literally breaks when three days in, he wakes up with a 103 fever and you know that the bubble that you have carefully built around him to protect his health is punctured and he is sick because of other kids. How much the fussing in the car can literally send me over the edge and reduce me to tears and it was only three days last week? Or how much Brady is flat out refusing to nap and struggling to go to sleep each night even though it is obvious he is exhausted.

Your proof….

We were going to ride our bikes to get lunch but three blocks in we found this.

Who wants to hear about the gritty details of how much life has changed for us in one week? No one. So, instead, I am going to tell you how much I am completely in love with my life right now. Even though we are struggling, I am feeling content with our life. Glenn and I headed out for a date Saturday night and as we were driving I asked him what we used to do on a Saturday night before kids as we watched young 20 something year olds head in to bars on Clybourn Avenue? Before he could respond, I told him I didn’t care because of now I was in love with our life.

I can’t tell you how many times I stop what I am doing , look at Glenn and say, “He’s the best. Our kid is the best”. And then I go back to doing the mundane task I am immersed in. Emulating is constant, tantrums are existent and the independence is scary.

Dad mows so I will too.

Mom waters flowers so will I.

Mom and Dad eat ice cream I will too.

I was so stressed about missing two days of work this week, but you know what happened, I got to fall in love all over again with my kid. The schedules, routines, daily tasks were out the window. We snuggled over Elmo, we watched buses, trains and trucks on Belmont, we picked rocks on our block, we swung with Starbucks and in our backyard and I just got to be a mama to a sick little boy.